In the middle

If you know me well you know that astrology, astronomy, spirituality, manifestation, affirmations, are a big part of me. Weekly I see where the planets are, what they are up to, in hopes it will help me navigate. I do card pulls from my oracle deck to show me what is missing. I go to healing circles and reiki to connect to my body on another level and find my higher self. It has always been finding my higher power, reaching to be the best version of myself. Getting out of the matrix, searching for something bigger than me. Connecting with nature, going on walks, grounding at the beach, feeling my feet on the sand to get myself out of my head and into my body.

July was our annual vacation at my happy place- Pittsburg NH. I brought my yoga mat, crystals to charge for the full moon, oracle cards, journal for manifestations. I felt connected, aligned, whole. I had a major change in my life after that vacation though that I have been dealing with outside of work, that I have been having a hard time coping. It is leading me into a state of depression, and just immense sadness.

I don't feel myself. I feel disconnected from the universe. I feel like with all the hard work I have been doing for years, being on this massive healing journey, and for what? I was let down and I blamed the universe. I have been let down month after month and it's hard to have hope. It's hard to see the light. My nature has always been positive and go with the flow, able to see the good in the bad, able to persevere and move forward.

But I am tired. I am tired of seeing the good in the bad, the happy in the sad. I am tired of manifesting, looking at my vision board, seeing how I can slay the day. I am just sad and tired. I thought my life was going to go in a certain way and I feel like it just isn't and I am just sitting here like- What is actually going on right now in my life? Whose life is this?? It isn't mine.

So, I took a break from all the above, oracle cards, vision board meditation, yoga, astrology, grounding. I wanted to listen to my intuition instead of hearing what the universe had to say. I wanted to hear my voice and not any other voice. It did help though to a certain extent. I was relying on the universe for far too long to tell me the answers. I need to pause, breathe and listen to my heart. I started reading the bible, something I've been wanting to do for a while. I started praying more. Taking a break from the cards help me connect to God more which was a win in itself.

But with taking a break from all of the above I feel like I have lost myself in some way. I miss grounding, I miss the crystals, the cards, following astrology, but I still feel like it has let me down in some way. Thinking if I do xyz it will get me to my ultimate goal. It's easy to blame something. Because I am feeding into the depression, into the saddness. It isn't like me to feel this way. My environment has just been out of the norm so to me it makes sense that I have been feeling lost. I had such a powerful connection, something that defined who I am. Now I don't know what defines me.

When I am down I turned to astrology, I got a card reading, I booked an apt with an astrologer. I needed to know why I was feeling this way. When something didn't go my way I asked okay what planet is in what sign?

I wasn't listening to what my body needed. I wasn't feeling my feelings. To what my soul needed. More creative time, joy, crying, journaling, walking, friends, family. I didn't turn into my own intuition, I immediately searched for say if Jupiter was in retrograde. Now thinking about it, I don't ever really pause. I immediately solve. That is in my nature. I need to pause to feel, reflect, align.

Looking back, this time has made me more aligned with my intuition however with that comes a lot of sadness though. Which is okay. I am feeling it all. And that is okay. (I say that now but I do really hate being in this discomfort).

The past 3 months since changing positions at work it has been meal prep, eating, working, sleeping, repeat. In order for me to have any positive, creative day it needs to be planned out. Which is what I mentioned on my previous post. Getting a planner, making time for my creative side to shine, not feeding into my ego. My soul is craving so much. It is time to honor her.

I'm in the middle again of something big. I feel it. I don't know what the next month looks like for me or even the next day when it comes to my spirituality. I know I don't want to lose it. I know I want it to be apart of me. But that's the key point- I want it to be apart of me-not to define me.

What I want to define me is being so connected with myself and my needs I am able to share with the world and help others. I want to know myself so well where I can feel and be in discomfort. I feel like I am getting to that part now. And maybe I am getting close to the finish line...I am not sure yet.

Until next time,

Bee