Something about October

This year has been hard. I was looking back on previous blog posts to see when I posted last and I am shocked to say it was in MARCH. Makes sense to me though because everything started to change for me come April. I got into an interim role that I was working towards. Which made my schedule a bit different because then I worked 830-5 I had to transition to 10-630. But I was in the space that I wanted to be in so I made the switch. Fast forward to July where I got offered the role full time but I had to change my shift to 12-830. I accepted after a few days because knowing how hard I worked to get here, I didn't want to turn back and explore other career options. Plus I was told this would be a temporary shift and we can discuss changes in the future. I said yes, I accepted. That decision, that yes, in my opinion, changed my entire life.

Let me just tell you what I have been experiencing since then. My body started having symptom's of anxiety that I never felt before. By working 12-830 I had to adjust my entire life. I had to change my meal times, figure out when I would fit time in for hobbies, this blog, working out, spending time with friends, things I didn't think of before accepting this shift. I starting having a racing heart every day. My right eye started twitching and it was so hard to focus, let alone do anything that involved concentration . And then, I couldn't sleep at night. I had racing thoughts, I was exhausted day in and day out. What was happening?? And then to tie it all in my husband works 830-5 so we hardly see each other. We knew this was going to happen of course when we talked about it and we were going to make it work because it is temporary but it was all adding up and I couldn't handle it. I went to my naturopath with these symptoms and she gave me some insight.

Yes, she can give me supplement's to support my body but what is really going on here. My circadian rhythm, my internal clock, every single thing inside of me was saying "what is going on here?" My body is used to early morning wake ups and early bedtime. Now I am going to bed at 11, 12, 1 because I can't sleep? Spending quality time with my husband, working out, being creative, spending time with friends was non existent. I am such a social person and this shift is so incredibly lonely. My answer for why I am experiencing these symptoms is that I said yes to what my ego wanted and no to what my soul wanted. My soul craves social time, creative time, wellness, health. My ego craves success regardless of what I have to do to get there.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I feel like I always have to be learning some type of lesson. Things can't just be easy for me. I have to go through incredible leaps and bounds in life and always have to have some type of takeaway. Why can't things just happen without a lesson and everything goes ok?

I've been working on soul and ego work. My naturopath made me think of it this way. Our ego is our inner child. Our soul is the highest version of ourselves. To gain balance between the two, we need our soul to talk to our ego and ask what it wants. My ego wants a peanut butter cup, perfect here you go. My ego wants to go for a walk, let's go. My ego wants to cry, let's do it. Then we honor that until both become align. This heals the ego and the soul is a trusted ally.

Second resources that I did was work by Byron Katie called The Work. Definitely recommend looking into that if you are struggling with obsessive thoughts.

I've been struggling with my mental health because of other factors in my life. But I am not ready to share that aspect quite yet. So here today I am forcing myself to get out of the depression. To schedule things that bring me joy and make me happy and stick to those things. So every day isn't just waking up, eating breakfast, working and going to bed.

Side note from that my naturopath did put me on some great supplements that have been supporting my cortisol (stress). Magnesium in the morning and at night and Inositol twice a day. Since taking these I haven't had any eye twitch or anxiety. I am just dealing with constant sadness and straight up depression. Forcing myself to do things knowing that if I don't it's just feeding into it. I just ordered a planner on Amazon (back on my bullshit) as I like to call it. So I am going to plan workout days, friend days, husband days, and my creative days for hobbies like this blog and photography. I have the best ideas I just need to schedule it and stick to the schedule so I don't slip into depression of not wanting to do anything.

One thing about mental health that is so important is talking about your struggles. Whether that is to a parent, peer, friend, partner, therapist- don't silence yourself. Depression and anxiety thrive when you feel like you are alone. You are not. I try to share how I'm feeling as much as I can and be open with my struggles to reduce the stigma and battle it.

This is becoming longer than I wanted so next post will be more about how I feel like I am losing my spiritual side of me and how I am navigating that.

Until next time,

Bee