Soul Vs. Ego

I had a naturopath appointment yesterday. I always feel better leaving those appointments. Modern medicine has really done a number on me growing up. Having 10 minute appointments, feeling rushed and overwhelmed, making sure I bring a list of the things I have to talk about so I don't forget because I am literally stumbling over my words trying to get it all in while they are rushing me. My appointments with my naturopath are usually an hour long and it would go longer if I'd ever needed it to. She always has me start, asking me to give her the full run down of everything that is going on. That usually lasts about 20 minutes. She then looks at everything as a whole- emotional, physical and spiritual. She always says we can solve the physical with supplements, that's no problem. And it's more than that.

What we experience every day, our daily lives, affect our emotional and physical well being. We can't just take a supplement and call it a day. She goes over everything that happens in my life so she can get the full picture of why my body is experiencing pain, stress, discomfort, sadness.

My body is very aware when something is off. As I mentioned in previous posts my whole way of being has been quite literally shaken. And with that comes delays in my cycle. I had symptoms of borderline PCOS, low progesterone, hypothyroid, and unsolved inflammation that I have been on supplements now for about a year. In February my bloodwork looked great and I didn't have anything really concerning going on. So I move forward, still working on my healing my mind while my body is in good shape.

But then the change of the shift happened, and it changed everything. My body now is in a constant state of stress, and my symptoms are back. So I have to get blood work done again which is frustrating. 1- because I hate needles and want nothing to do with it. and 2. I thought I was over this hurdle. I'm trying to feel my feelings and look at it in a positive light that I will have answers as to what's going in my body so I can support it as I have been doing. That is my soul talking. My ego is saying- why does everything have to be so hard...

I mentioned briefly soul and ego work that I am doing. My ego tends to lead my life. And to give a quick recap:

Ego is you saying I want this, I want that, I worked hard, I deserve this. Give it to me. Ego is do whatever it takes mentality. Seeks knowledge constantly. Looks outward for validation.

My soul has been a little quiet voice that is at the bottom of my gut, asking to be heard. It's a gentle ask, soft and sweet. Imagine Ego being a giant, strong confident tone, thinks they know everything and does not have anything to learn.

Soul is a spark, a little glowing light, always there and will never go out. Eternal, endless. Willing to give but knows her boundaries. Your soul holds you. Strong and confident and yet always wanting to learn, eager and willing to grow and develop. Accepts and asks for help. Humble. Looks for authenticity, looks inward for guidance.

In doing this work I am recognizing big differences of who I am and who I want to be. My ego has gotten me to where I am today and my soul has guided me as well and now it is time for them to join forces and become one. It's time for my ego to settle and my soul speak her truth.

In my last post I talked about how I was in a dark place, feeling like I am losing my faith, going through so many hurdles without an end in sight. I feel like the universe isn't for me anymore. I used to be in sync and now I hear nothing, feel nothing. My naturopath asked me yesterday why do I feel this way about spirit, the universe, God? I told her it's because I would do these card pulls and it would say- fertility, expecting creation, joy, happiness- and I get none of that. She smiled and said well it's all because of the timeline!

The universe doesn't say hey you are going to have a baby tomorrow. It says you will have one. That's it. It's for you. So I hear that. I hear that I have to be patient and the universe is telling me it is going to happen just not in the timeline I want it to be. So yes, another lesson... Just call me Bethany Lesson Walker...(insert biggest eye roll)

I'm not here on this earth to have all the answers. I look, I search, I want, I crave answers. I want to know WHY in any and every aspect. My naturopath said to remember that I am held in ways that are unexplainable and unimaginable and I have to remember that when I feel alone, confused, shaken, sad.

I have to actively keep reminding myself that everything that is happening to me is for a reason. It is so hard. It is so hard to be in this state all the time. I do need to bring more joy, gratitude, grace, and love into my life. I need to let go and just let God. I know this. I know in moments in sadness what I have to do, and yet it is in those moments I want to do everything but that.

Want want want, need need need, when I say why didn't I get this- I worked hard for it, I want it! (EGO) God, universe, spirit is saying- I know and it's not time yet. How hard it is to believe that and believe that what is for me will not pass me.

The pain I am experiencing now is far better than pain I would experience if I were to get something I am not ready for. (SOUL) And that is what is carrying me through my days.

Until next time,

Bee